For more than two years now, I've been taking Cymbalta. I've been taking it for chronic pain and chronic depression. Although it did block some of the pain, it didn't really make for a higher quality in life. It also numbed the depression by turning me into something like a robot. No matter what happened, my reactions were nothing like they were supposed to be, happy, sad, angry, whatever, they were all dampened. Unfortunately, this took a toll on my marriage. No matter what I would say to Rebecca, it never showed the emotion that you should show to the most important person in your life. When I was upset, she could never really tell...when I was overwhelmed with joy, she could never really tell. It had gotten to a point that she wasn't sure I was really in love with her anymore, and I certainly am, but the drug kept me from really showing it to her. Although the words came out, and there were actions to support the words, there was none of the emotion that should have been there..
So, because of this, I stopped taking the meds a little over a month ago (DON'T DO THIS, by the way.) I suffered some side effects, but they were nothing near what I expected, and a couple of weeks ago, I started to feel like me again. That may not seem like it's a good thing, since I'm basically an emotional wreck again, but I can feel. I can really laugh when I need to, and I can cry again, and most importantly, I can really show the love I feel to my wife and kids.
Don't get me wrong, anti-depressants are a good thing, and they might be right for some people, but they weren't working for me. Since going off of them, I feel more creative than I have in years, and also feel more opinionated, so look for more angry blog posts in the future, but most importantly I feel like me again. Being on the emotional roller coaster that is chronic depression is going to be a dangerous thing, and I know that, but at least I'm myself again.
One of the reasons for my wanting to write this post is because I saw a post on Facebook today saying that it was the 8 month anniversary of the passing of a friend of mine. I remember the day I found out that we had lost him. I remember feeling sad, and I remember talking to Rebecca about it, but my reaction was nothing like it should have been. Reading that post today actually brought me to tears for the first time since he'd passed away, and I realized that that was what I should be feeling.
Like I've said, I don't think anti-depressants are a bad thing. In fact, I think they're a wonderful thing for many people, but for me, I have to be myself, and Cymbalta took that away from me, and it almost took my family away. It wouldn't have been worth it to have my sadness masked if I didn't have them in my life...
