Saturday, June 02, 2007

Let There Be...

This is something I wrote many years ago. It's not really a's more of a satire. I had a couple of comedic zines interested in it, but no one seemed to be willing to take the chance. Maybe it was because not all of the words are mine, and I freely admit that. Someone else wrote most of this long ago, but it wasn't the "person" most people give credit to.

I finally stopped submitting it, because I knew it would never see publication, but I've now decided it should be out there so that everyone can see just how big of a smart ass I really am!

By J Alan Erwine

In the beginning, God created heaven and Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light.
God looked upon the light and said, “Not bad. The photon thing; both particle and wave, pretty clever.” And God divided the light from the darkness.
And God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night. Thus was the first day.
And God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.”
And God made the firmament, and divided the waters above from the waters below; and it was so.
And God called the firmament heaven. Pausing, God shook his head. “Let it be called Heaven. The capital letter made it good. “Not bad,” He said, “but I feel like something’s missing. Oh well. I’ll work on that tomorrow.” And thus was the second day.
And God said, “Let the waters under Heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. God shook his head disapprovingly before he smiled. “Let the land be in several places,” He said, “but let it appear as if it was once all in one place. This I will call Continental Drift.”
And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of waters he called seas. “Not bad,” He said, “but any deity could do this.”
Then God said, “Let the Earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the Earth.” It was so, and God thought it was good, but still found his world lacking. God then said, “Let the world bring forth plants and fungi to tempt any creations yet to come.” And God saw it was good. “My creations must be tempted away from me in order to prove their love of me,” God’s deep booming voice echoed across the vast emptiness of the cosmos. Thus was the third day.
And God said, “Let there be lights in the firmament of Heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years. And let them give light upon the Earth.” And it was so.
And God made two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; He made the stars also. God then paused and shook his head. “They have form, but do they need substance?” He asked. There was another pause before he realized he was the only being in the universe. The Supreme Being shook his head again and sighed. “I’ll give them the appearance of substance for now. They can become real later if they must. They’re mine to do with as I please.” God knew it was good, besides, no one expected a deity to be perfect on his first attempt. This would have to be enough for now. Thus was the fourth day.
And God said, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the Earth in the open firmament of Heaven.”
And God created great whales, and every living creature that moves, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind; and God saw that it was good, but not good enough. He paused in thought, but creating great beasts was tiring work. He could not conceive of what else his world needed. Thus was the fifth day.
And God said, “Let the Earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the Earth after his kind; and it was so. God saw that this was good, but still not good enough. “Let there be bones of creatures that never lived, and let those bones be buried deep beneath the Earth.” He didn’t know why he created the bones of creatures that never existed. It just seemed like a good idea at the time.
God looked down on the world and realized He hadn’t accomplished what He’d set out to do. He stared upon all the creatures of the Earth and realized what was missing. And God said, “Let us make man in our own image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the seas, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the Earth. Let him be a god in his own right.”
So God created man in His own image, and God blessed them. “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the Earth and subdue it: and have dominion over everything. Behold, I have given you all of this.”
And God looked around in His omnipotent and omnitient way, seeking to see the futures of His creations. He shook His head after a moment of contemplation and then uttered one word…”Oops!” He then disappeared so that He might try again somewhere and somewhen else.


Marva said...

Cute. Maybe you should try subbing it out again. That's ominiscient, not omnitient though.

J Erwine said...

I just used the first rights on it, so I pretty much can't submit it now.

I don't know why my spellcheck didn't catch that...

Keith said...

In one of the Hitchhikers Guide books, Adams has the word of God written on the side of a great mountain range.

"Sorry for the inconvenience".